How Do You Know If a Spiritual Director Is Right for You?
Sep 10, 2025Recently, I had the privilege of helping present on the topic of spiritual direction. As the conversation unfolded, one participant’s spontaneous question spurred a deeper conversation:
“What do you ask a spiritual director to see if they’re the right fit for you?”
Her question, almost sounding like it came from a pharmaceutical commercial, caught me off guard by its honest and open simplicity. She continued saying that she knew how to ask her doctor or another professional questions, but how does one open this door at a spiritual level?
Ask yourself what you need.
First, you want to discern your current position within your spiritual journey and the direction you feel God is leading you. What are your spiritual goals? Do you desire a closer relationship with God? Do you want to experiment with new ways of praying? Do you feel spiritually dry? Spiritually curious? Maybe you would benefit from a kind presence who’s willing to ask challenging questions, all without judgment, just spaciousness for exploration.
I shared the story of a directee who reached out to a spiritual director, a Catholic nun, hoping to be accompanied by someone who deeply embodied the closeness of Jesus. Her longing was specific: she wanted to feel Jesus near through the presence of her director. But as their conversation unfolded, it became clear that the nun’s spiritual emphasis centered more on the Holy Spirit within the Trinity. Their theological lenses didn’t quite align, and with grace and honesty, they both recognized that it wasn’t the right fit.
Once you have an idea of what you are looking for and what you need, then you will be better able to discern the spiritual director who is best for you. And your spiritual needs may evolve; a director who starts your development may not be a fit later as you take a new path down a certain foundation or prayer style.
Maybe you aren’t sure what you need, but you may feel something is missing in your life. That’s okay. Feel free to be honest and upfront with the spiritual director about this. You can discern together.
So, what might you ask a potential spiritual director?
You deserve someone who will support your growth on your current path. Here are some questions to help you assess if a director fits your needs.
- Can you share a bit about your own spiritual journey?
- What led you to become a spiritual director?
- What training or formation have you received in spiritual direction?
- What spiritual traditions or practices shape your work?
- How do you listen for the movement of the Divine in someone’s life?
- How do you hold space for people with different beliefs or backgrounds?
- What does a typical session look like? Do you offer sessions online, in person, or both?
- What is your suggested donation or fee structure?
- Do you receive spiritual direction yourself?
- Are you currently in supervision or peer consultation?
- What boundaries or ethical guidelines do you follow?
Ultimately, the “right fit” is less about credentials and more about resonance. Do you feel safe and seen? Is there potential to be spiritually nourished in their presence? And don’t forget to follow your instincts.
I pray you find a companion who holds your journey tenderly, hears the sacred whispers in your life, and helps you recognize God’s always present grace in your life.
Katie Rea, WTC Writing Coach
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