Spiritual Direction Without By-Passing (Part 4): Growing Our Window of Tolerance

A few weeks ago, my college-age daughter shared with me that something I had said to her in sixth grade had become part of her inner critic.

She told me that whenever a paper or project was assigned, she would hear my voice in her ear asking if she had been working on it. That voice pushed her already stressed self to try harder.

Here's what happened inside me:  In a split second, my stomach knotted.

I felt both terrible and defensive—that wasn’t my intention. I only wanted to be supportive, to make sure she hadn’t forgotten an assignment. An inner judge rushed in, wanting to assess whether I had actually said what she remembered, whether I was “guilty,” and whether she had the right to feel what she was feeling.

Instead, I took a slow breath with the spontaneous silent prayer, “Help me hear her” and softened my eyes and face.  

In doing so, I was able to offer her something I had not been offered at her age: a window of tolerance that could stay present with the pain between us, without defending or dismissing it.

Here’s what I noticed next: a softening in my body, and the emergence of genuine compassion for how that long-ago question had lived in her body as anxiety.

In that moment, it no longer mattered whether I had said things exactly as she remembered. I did not need to explain or defend my intention. What mattered was the impact.

I knew what it was like to carry anxiety and tension in my body from a young age, and I wanted to be part of healing that in her.

“Oh my, that was not my intention, yet I see the impact on you, and I am so very sorry," I said, "I wish I could go back and hug that sixth-grade girl and tell her I see her and trust her. She has always gotten her work done in her own good timing, and she didn’t—and you don’t—need that extra pressure from me.”

Here’s what I noticed afterward: we moved toward each other in a hug. Gratefully, my window of tolerance had grown enough to stay present. And this staying present had made something else possible: repair. Not only with my daughter, but the little girl in me found some healing, too.

Moments like this remind me that spiritual maturity is not measured by how quickly we resolve pain, but by our capacity to remain present to it.

And presence is not only a spiritual capacity—it is also a physiological one.

As spiritual directors, we may notice harmful theology in a directee’s words, or even sense a deeper longing beneath what they are saying, and still miss that their nervous system is struggling to remain within its window of tolerance—the range in which we can stay present, embodied, and responsive.

When a person moves outside that window, spiritual insight often can’t take root. The body is too busy trying to survive to receive wisdom or remain present to the impact we may be having on another.

This is why well-meaning practices like calming, reframing, or sitting in silence can sometimes backfire. They may be offered as spiritual wisdom, but the nervous system may experience them as pressure.

As someone who resonates with a One on the Enneagram, I know how quickly the impulse to reframe or move toward the “right response” can arise—sometimes as a way my nervous system restores equilibrium when things feel overwhelming. I know from being a directee how I can nod “yes” when I intellectually agree with wisdom being shared with me but my body is not in a place to receive it. Often this only increases the internal pressure as I try to override my body in order to welcome the wisdom.

Yet spiritual direction, at its best, does not push people to transcend their bodies or humanity. Spiritual direction helps people inhabit the moment, body and all. Room is made for the discomfort, messiness, and/or awkwardness of the present.

With the window of tolerance in mind, we might shift from asking a directee, “What does this mean?” to asking, “What do you notice in your body as you say this?” or “What helps you stay present right now?” Instead of seeking resolution, we cultivate capacity.

Meditation and contemplative practices can support this growth—but only when they are adapted to the body in front of us.

For some, stillness widens the window.
For others, movement does.

For some, breath awareness brings grounding.
For others, it brings panic.

The goal is not mastery of a practice, but a widening of our capacity to remain embodied in the Presence of God. We trust that the Holy meets us not beyond our nervous systems, but within them. Then communion, not simply survival, becomes possible.

Spiritual direction becomes a place where the window of tolerance is gently expanded. Not through force or discipline, but through attunement, choice, and trust. It’s often the patient, sometimes messy practice of learning to stay.

In this kind of attunement, unconditional love becomes tangible—received through the listening presence of another, rediscovered within oneself, and known as the abiding Presence of God.

I am reminded of a phrase from Psalms for Praying by Nan Merrill, echoing Psalm 106:
“For as we attune to your Presence within us, we know not separation and joy becomes our dwelling place.”

Over time, directees learn that they do not have to leave their bodies to encounter the Holy.

They learn that intensity is not failure.
That slowness is not avoidance.
That God meets them not beyond their limits, but within them.

This is the slow, sacred work of staying present. And often, it's quiet fruit appears in the next conversation.

Reflection Questions & a Practice to Gently Expand Your Window of Tolerance:

Personal & Relational

• When someone offers me feedback about harm or impact, what happens first in my body?
• How do I recognize when I am moving into defense rather than presence? What helps me soften when something difficult is being shared?
• What does repair feel like in my body when it happens well?

Parenting, Caregiving, & Close Relationships

• When someone I love is distressed, how quickly do I move toward reassurance or explanation?
• What might it look like to prioritize impact over intention in my closest relationships?
• Where might my own anxiety be shaping how I respond to others’ pain?

Spiritual Direction & Formation

• How do I discern whether a directee is inside or outside their window of tolerance?
• Which spiritual practices tend to widen my own window—and which narrow it?
• When intensity arises in a session, what impulses surface in me as a director?

A Spiritual Practice & Prayer for Attuning to the Window of Tolerance

If desired, pause here for a few moments. Let your body find a position that feels supportive—sitting, standing, or lying down. There is no “right” posture (a good reminder especially for those of us who are Enneagram Ones!).

Begin by noticing three points of contact between your body and what supports you: the chair, the floor, the ground beneath you.

Without trying to change anything, gently bring awareness to your breath.
Notice where it is most accessible—your chest, your belly, your nostrils, or simply the rhythm of breathing itself.

Now, ask quietly within:
What feels most present in my body right now?

You don’t need to analyze, critique, evaluate, or explain. Simply notice.

If you sense constriction, see if there is permission for a small adjustment—softening the jaw, lengthening the spine, shifting your weight, or allowing a sigh.

If you sense ease, let yourself receive it (even if it’s a small amount).

For a few breaths, rest in this simple noticing. This is not about fixing or resolving—only about attunement. Perhaps you imagine the One Who Understands being present with you just as you are.

When you’re ready, gently return. You can end here or allow the following prayer to further support you:

Holy Presence,
who meets us not beyond our limits but within them,
teach us to listen with our whole bodies.

When we feel the urge to rush toward calm, clarity, or meaning,
slow us into presence.

When intensity rises,
widen our capacity to stay—
with ourselves, with one another, with You.

May we learn to trust that wisdom unfolds
not through force or mastery,
but through attunement, compassion, and time.

And as we grow in this listening,
may joy become our dwelling place.
Amen.

Series Conclusion: The Wisdom of Staying Present

Spiritual bypassing is rarely about bad intentions. More often, it arises from our discomfort with intensity, our desire to help, or our longing for things to feel better—quickly.

Throughout this series, we have explored how bypassing can appear in subtle, well-meaning ways: through calming too soon, meaning-making before the body is ready, silence offered without discernment, or spiritual practices applied without attention to the nervous system. In each case, the invitation has been the same—to slow down and listen more carefully to what is alive in the moment in every part of us.

Spiritual direction, at its heart, is not about fixing, soothing, or resolving. It is about accompaniment. It is about cultivating the capacity to stay present—to ourselves, to one another, and to God—especially when things feel unfinished or unresolved.

Growing our window of tolerance is not simply a technique. It is a practice of love.

It allows us to remain open when we might otherwise shut down, to stay connected when we feel the pull to defend or withdraw, and to trust that wisdom does not require us to leave our bodies behind in order to encounter the Holy. Over time, this kind of presence becomes formative—not only for those we accompany, but for us as well.

In a culture that prizes speed, certainty, and transcendence, spiritual direction offers something quieter and more powerful: the courage to stay. To stay with what aches. To stay with what is unclear. To stay long enough to allow God to meet us there.

--Kasey Hitt, MDiv, WTC Co-founder and Director of The School of Spiritual Direction

This is the last of four blogs in the series, “Spiritual Direction without By-Passing.” Revisit the previous ones:

When the Body Leads

When Meaning-Making Comes Too Soon

When Silence Comes Too Soon

Learn to listen like a spiritual director by practicing contemplative, active listening with Kasey, Sr. Mary Rose Bumpus, & Wendy Brown through the 7-week series, “The Wisdom of Listening” beginning April 7^th from Noon-1:00pm CST. Learn more here.