Spiritual Direction Without Bypassing (Part 3): When Silence Comes Too Soon
Mar 10, 2026Silence and stillness are central to contemplative spirituality.
They can open us to God, deepen awareness, and restore our nervous systems—which in turn affects our relationships, communities, and the world. But even these sacred practices can become forms of spiritual bypassing when offered without discernment.
In spiritual direction, silence is often assumed to be neutral or inherently wise. Yet silence is never neutral. It always lands somewhere—in a body, a history, a nervous system.
For someone who is at ease and grounded, silence may feel welcome and spacious.
For someone who is overwhelmed, traumatized, or emotionally flooded, silence can feel like being left alone in the dark. Stillness is similar.
In our Centering Prayer group, we hold loosely to the “rules of silence and stillness.” Or rather, we hold to “the spirit rather than letter of the law” inviting each person to practice for twenty minutes whatever calls them back home to the Divine Presence.
For some, the traditional Contemplative Outreach method works beautifully. Once microphones are muted and cameras turned off, they settle into the silence and stillness, allowing their sacred word to guide them home again and again.
For others, they focus on their breath, put on earphones and listen to binaural beats, or simply return to the sounds around them whenever their attention drifts. Still others rock or pace back and forth for the full twenty minutes, finding that movement helps them center. Some may even begin with gentle movement then settle into stillness. The point is not uniformity, but attuning to the presence and action of the One Who Understands How Hard It Is!
Inviting someone to “sit with it,” “be still,” or “rest in God’s presence” can be deeply supportive—or it can unintentionally replicate earlier experiences of being unseen, unheard, or expected to endure without support. Or at the very least, they may feel like failures in meditation. Spiritual bypassing occurs when we assume that contemplative practices work the same way for every body.
A wisdom-based, trauma-informed approach asks:
- Is silence expanding or constricting right now?
- Does stillness feel grounding—or immobilizing?
- What support is needed to make presence possible?
- What might “centering” look or feel like in this season?
Sometimes the most faithful act is not more silence, but gentle orientation: a voice, a shared breath, or a reminder that the directee is not alone and is welcome to go at their own pace.
When directees fear that what they are sharing in a session is “all over the place,” I do not invite them to quietly organize their words so I can follow them in a linear fashion. Instead, I invite them to offer a “graffiti wall,” assuring them not to worry about making sense—we can stand back and together see what emerges. This gives them freedom to express themselves fully, allowing for as much (or as little) silence as they desire.
However, before any of this happens, I have already gathered information in my very first session with them. Before we begin our journey together, I want to hear their story and discern rather than assume what silence means or feels like for them.
- Do they enjoy silence?
- Do they desire more of it?
- Has it been used to punish or send a passive-aggressive message?
- Does it provoke anxiety?
- What stories do they have around silence?
- Do they want to befriend it [even more]?
I also let them know they have the freedom to speak or not. They do not have to fill the space with words (nor do they have to be still—I offer fidget toys and other objects to play with). They are allowed to inhabit a little awkward silence for as long as they want to see what might appear in the cracks and crevices of the conversation—for the Holy Spirit often hovers there.
As spiritual directors, we want to be curious about a person’s relationship with silence. We want to bow to its power to heal—and to harm.
When offered at the right time, silence can be holy ground.
When offered too soon, it can quietly bypass what is asking to be seen and held.
Reflection Questions:
- How was silence used in your spiritual or family system growing up?
- When does silence feel nourishing to you—and when does it feel unsafe?
- How do you discern whether silence (or stillness) is supporting or shutting down a directee?
- What helps you stay relationally present even when words fall away?
A blessing:
May every pause, every breath, every moment of stillness,
every run-on sentence, and every intentional movement
be a doorway to the Divine Presence,
a sacred invitation to come home.
--Kasey Hitt, MDiv, WTC Co-founder and Director of The School of Spiritual Direction
This is the third of four blogs in the series, “Spiritual Direction without By-Passing.” Find the previous two by visiting our blog: https://www.wisdomtreecollective.com/blog
Practice contemplative, active listening and lessen spiritual bypassing with Kasey, Sister Mary Rose Bumpus, & Wendy Brown through the 7-week series, “The Wisdom of Listening” beginning April 7th from Noon-1:00pm CST. Learn more here.
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