Spiritual Direction Without Bypassing (Part 2): When Meaning-Making Comes Too Soon

“Mom, now is not the time for meaning-making!” my teenager said to me.

Instantly, I knew what she meant—and I apologized.

I have a habit of looking for deeper meaning, of going beneath the surface of things. That impulse is not inherently bad. But when it happens too soon, it bypasses what needs to be felt and tended to in the moment. It skips over the heart of the person right in front of me.

Her words stirred a memory of a time when this happened to me.

In the middle of a painful event, someone told me they were glad it was happening because I would become a better leader as a result. Was it true? Perhaps. But it was premature.

They wanted to move past the pain—both mine and theirs. They wanted to soothe the moment with hopeful thinking and a calm tone. My body, however, felt like I was in a burning building while someone stood nearby telling me to relax, that everything was fine.

It wasn’t fine.

They may have had good intentions. But the impact was anything but good. If we’re not careful, the same thing can happen in spiritual direction.

Spiritual bypassing in spiritual direction is rarely intentional. More often, it emerges from care, good training, and a sincere desire to help.

It often sounds like:

• “Let’s allow for some slow, relaxed breaths.”
• “Where is God in this for you?”
• “Do you notice any patterns or learnings?”
• “Can you let go or release this to God?”

None of these are wrong. They can be very wise. The trouble arises when they are offered too soon—before the body has been listened to, before emotion has moved, before the experience has been allowed to be what it is. The same is often true with forgiveness in religious and spiritual spaces, where people feel pressure to forgive before their pain has been tended.

Spiritual bypassing doesn’t always bypass pain. Sometimes it bypasses aliveness.

By aliveness, I mean the embodied vitality of an experience—the energy, sensation, and movement through which the Spirit often speaks.

Many spiritual spaces subtly equate maturity with composure, clarity, and transcendence. Over time, this can teach directees—often unconsciously—that anger, agitation, grief, or intensity are problems to be managed rather than pathways to wisdom.

When a directee is activated or overwhelmed, moving too quickly toward insight or meaning-making can feel like a form of abandonment. Without intending to, the director may communicate: This is too much. Let’s move past it.

A wisdom-based, trauma-informed approach offers something different:

• What is happening in your body right now?
• What wants movement, sound, or space?
• Where do you feel constricted—and where do you feel some expansion or capacity?
• What would it be like to stay with this just a little longer?

This is not therapy, nor is it somatic coaching. This is spiritual direction rooted in the Incarnation—the trust that the Spirit speaks through flesh, sensation, breath, and emotion.

Sometimes spiritual bypassing shows up not in what a directee avoids, but in how quickly they arrive at clarity.

A directee may speak eloquently about forgiveness while their jaw is clenched or chest is tight. They may name trust in God while their breath is shallow. They may offer theological insight (or deeper meaning!) while their body remains braced.

This is not dishonesty. It is often wisdom arriving ahead of capacity.

The task of the spiritual director is not to challenge or correct this, but to listen further and gently, quietly wonder:

• What is this language protecting?
• What would happen if we slowed this moment down?
• What has not yet been given permission to speak?

Often the soul speaks in two movements at once—one reaching for meaning or answers, and one asking first to be seen, then held.

(Side note: After getting off a FaceTime call with my daughter, who has been going through a rough patch her first year in college, I wrote the above sentence, later reading it to her. She teared up and said, “Exactly. Both.”)  

A spiritual director may gently slow the pace when they notice a directee:

• Rushing to meaning or gratitude immediately after naming pain
• Using polished spiritual language while the body remains tense
• Repeating phrases that seem to bypass emotion (“I know God has this”)
• Struggling to stay with sensation, grief, or anger for more than a moment

These are not problems to fix, nor cues to join the bypassing. They are invitations to listen more carefully and perhaps to offer gentle noticing:

“I notice how quickly you turned to ‘God is good’ after naming something painful.”

“As you speak about trusting God, what do you notice in your body right now?”

The guiding question for the spiritual director is not, “How do I help this feel better right now?” but, “What is asking to be listened to right now?”

To resist spiritual bypassing is to slow our impulse to soothe, remain with what is intense, and trust that the Holy does not need the moment tidied in order to be present.

Reflection Questions for Spiritual Directors (or any listener!)

• When a directee expresses strong emotion, what is my immediate impulse—to soothe, interpret, spiritualize, or stay?
• What sensations arise in my body when a directee is angry, restless, or overwhelmed?
• Where might I confuse calm with wisdom?
• What spiritual language or practices do I reach for most quickly—and why?

• Recall a time when spiritual language helped you stay present—and a time when it moved you away from what you were actually feeling. What was different?
• What helps me trust that God is present even when the moment feels unresolved?

--Kasey Hitt, MDiv, WTC Co-founder and Director of The School of Spiritual Direction

This is the second of four blogs in the series, “Spiritual Direction without Bypassing.” To read the first post, "When the Body Leads," go here.

Practice contemplative, active listening and lessen spiritual bypassing with Kasey, Sister Mary Rose Bumpus, & Wendy Brown through the 7-week series, “The Wisdom of Listening” beginning April 7^th from Noon-1:00pm CST. Learn more here.